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| HUMOR: The Whale's Tale | ||
| Louis Cannon | 7/7/10 | ||
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| Back to the News Summaries | ||
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| The sleepy little mountain town of Stinkwater Springs awoke to an enormous surprise on Monday, July 5. And I do mean, enormous. “I was out early in the morning, mowing the putting green on hole number 6 like I do every Monday morning,” explained Stinkwater Golf Club maintenance worker Brandon Caddell, “when I see this spray of water shoot up suddenly out of Pinon Lake. And I mean, it was real obvious — not like a little splash, but this huge spray of water shooting straight up into the sky. And it sounded like some kind of animal breathing.” As the town was soon to discover, the sound of an animal breathing was, in fact, the sound of an animal breathing. A female sperm whale — whom the townspeople promptly dubbed “Dr. Mary Fisher” after a prominent local historical figure — had somehow made its way into one of the smallish lakes surrounding the Stinkwater golf course, and was creating an intermittent water fountain out in the lake. Continued...
Stinkwater, a rural tourist destination tucked into the foothills of the majestic Colorado Rocky Mountains, has only rarely seen sperm whales appear in its lakes. “The writing is on the wall,” gushed Stinkwater Tourism Association coordinator Jean Poole. “We expect to see record tourism numbers this summer.” Poole says passing tourists normally ignore this tiny mountain town on their way to more popular destinations such as the Mesa Verde Indian Ruins & Casino, 70 miles to the west — but she suspects some of them will think the sperm whale spray is a municipal fountain, and will perhaps stop and have a picnic beside the lake. “About 36.73 percent of our tourism dollars come from people having picnics by the lake,” Poole explained. “We’re guessing this new ‘fountain’ feature will increase that number by about 59.66 percent.”  But a local environmental group, Society for a Sustainable Stinkwater, is upset with the proposed tourism promotions already being planned by Poole’s association.“I mean, how would you feel, if you were a noble, female sperm whale, and some tourism group started promoting you as ‘a water fountain’?” sputtered SSS president Kelly Green. “We think that is a downright insult to this exquisite animal’s intelligence.” Green then compared the whale's intelligence to the intelligence of tourism association coordinator Jean Poole, with a rather unkind remark that I will let you imagine for yourself. Meanwhile, a local hunting rights group is proposing another possible way to address the whale’s appearance. “We haven’t had a decent whale hunt in Stinkwater since before my grandfather was born here,” suggested local NRA chapter president Rusty Bridges. “And what with the bad economy and all, a little bit of whale blubber in everybody’s freezer will look mighty tasty come January.” When reminded that whale blubber reportedly has a strong flavor, Bridges responded, “If I can shoot it, I can eat it.” But perhaps the most unusual reaction to the whale’s appearance came from the Center for Transformative Angelic Light, one of Stinkwater’s alternative religious groups. ”Obviously, this is a sign from God,” proposed Shanda Lear, the Center’s founder, standing on the banks of Pinon Lake late Monday afternoon. “All this talk about fountains and picnics and whale hunts and blubber in the refrigerator. Very disheartening. Small minded. This whale’s appearance here is a message to the people of Stinkwater, a clear message. ‘Forget your petty bickering,’ this creature is telling us. ‘Life is meant to be celebrated. Spray forth in abundance.’ This is a message for all of us.” Lear tossed some rose petals into the lake and made some loud squealing sounds. “I’m speaking to the whale, thanking her for showing up in this sacred hydro-vortex. You probably didn’t know that Pinon Lake was a sacred hydro-vortex.” I had to admit, I didn’t. | ||
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